A Best Friend’s Wedding

November 17th, 2007

It seems I’ve been to many weddings. I’ve been to a female friend’s wedding I was secretly in love with. (She even asked me to sing. Oh the torture!). I’ve accidentally spilt expensive champagne on the table (but fortunately, not on anyone’s clothes) at another lady friend’s wedding.

I’ve been to the weddings of several of my best friends, and the theme is very recognizable. I am happy for them, but sad for myself, because I know that I will no longer enjoy their friendship as much as before. I guess there is a big element of selfishness in this. There might be even a splattering of envy. But there is definitely a theme. Make that a resounding gong.

My plans for my life when I was 18 or so was to enjoy being single, but be married by the time I hit 26. When the time came, I received instead of joyous love, the first rejection and major disappointment in my life. The person I had so carefully chosen, couldn’t be mine, and I couldn’t be hers.

I plunged into a depression so deep, that I despaired of life, squandered away everything I had carefully saved, and considered suicide. My life fell apart on many levels. Much of my financial, social, and emotional success faded away. And then, to top it all, a beloved niece passed away. She was only 18.

The lesson of her death to me was invaluable. It taught me the pain of losing someone you love. It taught me to be thankful for life, and not to be selfishly willing to end it. I never imagined that I could feel such pain. But that pain was my teacher: it showed me how others would react if I were to suddenly die. The door to despair closed in my face.

Since then, I’m rebuilding my life. I find myself tempted to be bitter. I need to lighten up, to find joy again, but I am afraid to do it…the risk is great.

Every wedding I’m in stirs the cup. I hope that the next one I go to will be mine.

  • medea

    🙁 A big hug.

    It is horrible when our hearts get broken for the first time when we are adults. Things are felt deeply and it hurts, and hurts for a long time. Thankfully, time does heal those wounds. Congratulations on getting back on track after it, and I hope the future brings you happiness.

  • Bob Barbanes

    I often chuckle at my young friends who seem to have their lives all planned-out. They confidently announce that they intend to be married by age 25 or some such. I smile and nod agreeably, but from this aged vantage point I know that this river will take us where it wants to go. We can fight but it will only make us unhappy.

    The key, I believe, is to be flexible and open and not have too many expectations about how things “should” or “ought to” be.

    What was it John Lennon said about life being what happens while we’re busy making other plans? Trite but true.

    I wish you much happiness, Aaron. But you must find it within yourself.

  • La Gringa

    Aaron, from my little peek into your life, I think that you are right: You should lighten up a little. Don’t demand so much of yourself. Have some fun.

    I hate to hear you sounding so sad! I’m sure that love will come into your life when you least expect it — it just seems to happen that way, usually after you decide that you are content with your life the way it is.

  • Tom

    Aaron, are you still planning to go to Mexico? If so, maybe that will be how you meet miss right.

    Either way, I wish you all the best.

  • Aaron Ortiz

    Thanks everyone!

    Medea, thanks for the hug 🙂

    Hi Bob, I’ve learned to lower my expectations, but that lowers my enthusiasm too!

    Thanks Gringa, I hope you’re right!

    Hey Tom, I’m kinda hoping so too. I think I got depressed last friday because of: Uncertainty about my trip to Mexico, the wedding (reminds me of my singleness), the Hondutel scandal, and my sister is moving out of the city after I lived next door to her for a while. I’ll miss her and my nephews and nieces.

  • Anonymous

    I remember once when a mug of beer slipped from my hand while touring a NYC artist’s studio with a group of international artists and sculptors in the Hamptons. Beer was dripping on her paintings…watercolors…

    I survived, and so did the paintings… at least I was told.

    I was only 18 when that happened. Some expressed how it *improved* the paintings. As you would expect, it didn’t go over well with the artist.

    I survived. The paintings survived. The artist survived. Maybe my blunder did add value to the works. 😉

    Your time will come, Aaron. Ask, and you will receive.


  • Aaron Ortiz

    LOL Kman, what a disaster, I bet alcoholics get the urge to drink from watching those paintings now.


    thanks, I’m definitely asking
    (be careful what you ask for)

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